Customs During the Mourning Period: How Families Approach Weddings, Chinese New Year and Visiting

During the mourning period (shou xiao, 守孝), many Chinese families traditionally step back from celebrations: they may not attend others’ weddings, avoid wearing bright red, cut back on entertainment, leave out red couplets at Chinese New Year and refrain from New Year visits. For a family wedding already being planned, a folk saying holds that it can take place within the first 100 days, or otherwise be postponed. The length of mourning and its details differ by dialect group, religion and family, many families today keep it simpler, and the arrangements are usually discussed with elders.

Where do mourning customs come from?

A writer on culture and history in Sin Chew Daily explains that stepping back from celebrations during mourning comes from Confucian li (礼, ritual propriety), and does not mean the bereaved family is “unlucky”. Understanding this can help both the family and their friends make allowances for each other.

The idea behind li: letting outward life match inner grief

As this writer explains, a funeral is a time of sorrow and a wedding a time of joy, and tradition holds that the two do not sit well together, so those in mourning set aside celebrations and social duties for a while. He describes several purposes: to let the family’s outward life match their grief; to free them from social obligations so they can focus on the funeral and on remembering their loved one; and to give them time to adjust before returning to everyday life more steadily. The customs were not meant to cut a grieving family off from others.

How customs have changed

Mourning rules in the past were strict; in the Qing dynasty some were even written into law, such as not attending banquets, not making music and not wearing festive clothes. The same writer notes that times have changed and that customs among Chinese communities overseas naturally adapt to their surroundings. Most families today keep only a few of these customs, and in different ways.

How long is the mourning period?

Classical rites set mourning at three years, which in folk practice works out to about 24 months; today many families shorten it to one year, and some to 100 days or 49 days.

In Malaysia, practice also varies. Some families resume normal social life after the 100th day; others wait until the first anniversary, after the rite of merging the deceased’s tablet and incense with the ancestral altar (chu ling he lu, 除灵合炉). Another writer mentions a traditional saying that festive celebrations are set aside for two years, and personally prefers to wait until after the second anniversary. Each family chooses the arrangement that suits its circumstances.

What do many families avoid during mourning?

Common customs relate to celebrations, dress and entertainment. The examples below come from Malaysian and Singaporean sources, and each family decides which to keep.

Celebrations and social occasions

Many families do not attend weddings, full-month celebrations or birthday banquets during mourning, and instead send a gift through someone else, as the saying goes: “the person may not come, but the gift does” (人不到，礼到). Folk-custom research from Taiwan also notes that in some places friends would, out of consideration, not send wedding invitations to a family in mourning.

The writer mentioned above also observes that families who still keep a temporary altar for the departed at home traditionally attend fewer celebrations. Whether to attend, he concludes, is a personal decision: one may go out of goodwill, decline out of ritual propriety, or stay away but send a gift. When relatives and friends make allowances for each other, any of these choices can be understood.

Dress and appearance

Many families avoid bright colours such as red, choosing white, black or grey instead, and wear less gold jewellery and less elaborate grooming.

Haircuts, entertainment and travel

• Haircuts: one custom is not to cut one’s hair for 100 days, traditionally linked to the filial idea that our bodies come from our parents; Singaporean Teochew folk-custom material mentions cutting hair only on the 1st and 15th of the lunar month during mourning.
• Entertainment: some families cut back on activities purely for entertainment.
• Travel: some families prefer not to travel overseas for holidays during mourning.

Memories from Penang

Older Penang residents recall that in the 1950s and 60s, during the 100 days of mourning dress, families did not attend wedding banquets, wear gold or put on make-up. At the 100th-day prayers (zuo bai ri, 做百日) they removed their mourning cloth, changed into red and returned to everyday life.

Can a family member marry during the mourning period?

A folk saying holds that if a wedding is already being planned, some families hold it quietly within 100 days, a practice known as bai ri qu (百日娶); after 100 days, tradition is to wait until the mourning period ends.

How long to wait differs from place to place. Singaporean Teochew folk-custom material says most families now wait one year, while a Singapore funeral provider’s guide mentions a traditional three-year postponement. These are traditional views rather than fixed rules. Many families find that an open conversation between the couple and both sets of elders leads to an arrangement everyone is comfortable with.

What about Chinese New Year and New Year visits?

Many families in mourning do not put up red couplets or pay New Year visits; friends, for their part, can greet the family in thoughtful ways.

For the bereaved family

In many places, spring couplets are taken down during the funeral, and red couplets are left out during mourning. Singaporean Teochew folk-custom material also notes that in the first year of mourning, the family generally does not make New Year visits.

For relatives and friends

Friends can make allowances for the family: rather than visiting during the New Year, you may wish to call or send a message. If you would like to visit, after the festive season is a good time; a quiet manner, and leaving out greetings such as “Gong Xi Fa Cai”, is usually appreciated.

Practical tips: how can families and friends talk it through?

Because customs differ from family to family, a little communication in advance can spare everyone awkward moments. A few ideas:

1. Ask the elders: find out how long your family usually observes mourning and which occasions it avoids.
2. Talk openly when a wedding is planned: couples with a set date can discuss it with both families.
3. Explain and send your regards when you cannot attend: “the gift comes even if the person cannot”, and most hosts understand.
4. Go at a pace that suits the family: the form of mourning can be adjusted, and the family’s wellbeing matters too.
5. Ask when unsure: elders, your religious group or your clan association can help.

In summary: quiet remembrance

At its heart, the tradition of mourning is about remembering quietly, with sorrow held in the heart rather than displayed. How long it lasts and what is set aside differ by dialect group, religion and family; what the customs share is remembrance of the departed and consideration for the living.

At FLS (福禄寿) Kuantan, families often ask us what to do when the New Year falls during mourning. Our suggestion is to ask your elders first, then arrange things in a way that suits your family’s wellbeing. If you are unsure, you are welcome to call or WhatsApp us at +60 12-960 2222.

This article is from the FLS (福禄寿) Kuantan Life Education Column. More at flsgroup.com.my

Quick answers

Can a family member marry during the Chinese mourning period?

A folk saying holds that if a wedding is already being planned, some families hold it quietly within 100 days of the death, known as bai ri qu; after that, tradition is to wait until mourning ends, and many families now wait one year. Practice varies, so families in Kuantan often discuss it with elders.

Do families in mourning put up red couplets at Chinese New Year?

Traditionally, many bereaved families take down spring couplets during the funeral and leave out red couplets during mourning; in some places, other colours are used in the first year. Many families today simply skip red in the first year. Practice depends on dialect group and family custom, and elders can advise.

Do families in mourning make Chinese New Year visits?

Traditionally, many bereaved families do not visit relatives and friends at Chinese New Year and step back from celebrations. Friends may wish to call or send a message instead; if visiting, after the festive season is a considerate time, leaving out greetings such as “Gong Xi Fa Cai”.

How long does the Chinese mourning period last?

Classical rites set mourning at three years, about 24 months in practice. Today many families shorten it to one year, and some to 100 days or 49 days. Chinese families in Kuantan follow different practices, often deciding together with elders according to their religion and dialect group.